Self care. As women we are probably the worst at it. If you are like me we tend to put others first, and what is left over is what we get. I have been trying to change that, by being nicer to myself. I work hard. Very hard. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love what I do, and I consider it a privilege to get to do it every day. I work with the best people, and enjoy going to work. But I also need to work on taking care of me.
About 5 years ago I found out I had a rare heart defect. I have what is called Congenitally corrected levo-transposition of the great arteries. Coming up to the diagnosis, I discounted so many of the symptoms I had, it made no sense for someone in the medical profession to do so. Congenital heart disorders occur 9 in 1000. And my disorder occurs in 1% of that population. So what I have is pretty rare.
In hindsight, I would venture to guess I was having problems 5 years prior to my diagnosis. My heart would race, I didn’t have as much stamina. I was working out, running 5 miles a day, but I didn’t feel good. Did I tell anyone? No. I just kept thinking “if I was better, this wouldn’t be happening”. Yes, that is what I thought. As my energy fell, I eventually stopped exercising and my weight increased, no one really said anything to me. I was a 40 something female…so what. It wasn’t until one night that I couldn’t get out of bed because my heart had been racing for so long (my rate was in the 240’s) that I had my husband take me to the hospital.
I had been to the hospital once before with this racing heart (it is called supraventrical tachycardia) and was sent home by the ER doctor. He told me to lose weight and stop drinking caffeine, and sent me home. I hadn’t gone back….for months. Even though my heart was racing more and more. This was my fault in my mind. If I was just “better” this wouldn’t be happening. On this night, my heart was bad, I could hardly walk, I was so short of breath. I felt awful. At the hospital they used medication to get my heart into a normal rhythm. They were going to send me home, but thought they would do an echocardiogram just to look at my heart. I did after all have an appointment with a cardiologist on the following Tuesday. What they found surprised everyone.
I saw the doctors from the Mayo Clinic the following Tuesday. They told me about what I had and that they would take my case back to Rochester to a Dr. Carol Warnes. She took my case and saved my life. I had open heart surgery on March 4, 2015. One of the hardest things I have ever done, but one of the best. I feel great today. Happy and healthy. I work out to feel better, watch what I eat, but love to eat.
Post-op depression after open-heart surgery is a real thing. I was in a funk. I needed to do something that made me feel pretty. So I had lash extensions put on. I loved them. And I met Jenna. She is my everything. She started by doing my eyelashes, but she also does my hair, derma planes my face, and waxes everything. I have seen her about every 2 weeks for the last 5 years. She is one of my many angels. I have learned to be good to myself. If you don’t have a Jenna in your life, get one. We all need someone who is honest and will tell you when you need a change or a new look.
I have been able to lose about 40 pounds over the past 5 years. Feeling better about the way I look is the key for me. I am far from perfect. But I am far from where I was. I have so much to be thankful for and so much to live for so I don’t take it for granted. I am so happy with what I have here now in the present that everything else is a bonus.
It still makes me cry when I think how hard I was on myself. Blaming myself for being sick. And honestly, there is a part of me that still feels that way. Which is ridiculous. Dr. Warnes said to me “you had no control over this”. When that ER doctor told me to lose weight, he made it my fault in my mind. I caused this somehow. Again, totally ridiculous. But, how many women get this feeling from doctors? He didn’t do any other assessment when I was in the ER that night. Nothing. All he saw was an overweight 40 something woman. He did nothing else. In my mind I wasn’t worth his time.
I want you all to know that if I am taking care of a patient, and they need a voice. I am the loudest person in the room. It’s strange that I couldn’t speak up for myself at that time. I have a wonderful husband that helped me through all of this and was my voice when I needed one. I am happy to say, I am better.
